BatSnape
by Evvy
Summary: A SLASHY crossover: Batman is attracted to a certain Professor and goes to very desperate measures to have him. Successfully? Read to find out.


Title: BatSnape

Author: Ev vy

Category: Humor/Parody

Warning: It's rated only PG, but if you don't like slashy themes **don't read**. Unless you're a masochist.

Spoilers: None, it's an AU

Disclaimer: Batman ain't mine! I wouldn't want him even if I were paid. And Snape ain't mine either, which makes me very sad. *sniff* Oh, and I don't own anything that all people know belongs to JK Rowling

A/N1: I was too lazy to check if Batman's real name is Bruce Wayne (that's what I remember)

A/N2: making artificial Snape isn't my idea either, it came up on SlytherinSocietyML, when we discussed cloning, Charm Snapes and PokeSnapes (that was indeed bull's eye, Maggie!)

A/N3: I won't probably re-read it after I'll have written it. And it won't be beta-read, I wouldn't force anyone into it.

A/N4: Let's assume that it doesn't matter that Batman is American and Snape British, OK? It's fanfiction and funfiction.

A/N5: Such ideas come to my head when I go to sleep at 7 a.m.

~*~

Bruce Wayne was pacing along the corridors of his large house. He liked to have everything large. His house, car, headquarters, office, buildings in Gotham City, not to mention some of the attributes he liked his lovers to possess. The rooms were large, the beds in each room gigantic. He wasn't forced to be limited to one lover after all. All this was of course a secret, Bruce Wayne was a very respectable city-dweller, the journalists loved him, the people loved him, the politicians loved him. The number of charity organizations he established was large. Not large, enormous. His alter ego had to be as impeccable. Batman had to be thought as chaste. Just as a part of his image. Naturally, he couldn't deny that he liked women's attention and he was suspected of some liaisons with some of the more prominent journalists, criminals or politicians. Like with that in that silly cat outfit, what was her name again? Luckily nobody demanded from him to remember all those names.

But pacing had nothing to do really with his image, or women in that matter. He was having a stroll as he couldn't drive a particular person out of his mind. A person, which by all means, was interesting, mysterious and sexy as hell. He met this person while working on a very recent cases of arsons. The arsons were done in a very clever way and the police were, to put it mildly, clueless. So Batman was called to help. He hated himself for that idea with this silly light calling Batman for help. It way so easy, switch it on and Batman came. Why couldn't they ask Superman or Spiderman for help? Those jerks were definitely more enthusiastic about helping people than he was. All right, all right, he wasn't that selfish. But a number of times he was actually called during very pleasant and fruitful, hmm, intercourses. It was so annoying!

However, this arson case wasn't so bad. It was in terms of arsons, but in terms of his personal interests it was quite pleasant. He was working with wizards again. He couldn't tell anyone, it would be hell of a headline: **Batman believes in wizards!** But they did exist and he enjoyed the cooperation, especially due to the fact that he had a very interesting person for a partner. A wizard by the name of Severus Snape. One weird thing about wizards was their names. Like Albus Dumbledore or that another sexy thing he met, Sirius Black. Not as sexy as Severus Snape, but quite, quite. So what, that Batman was gay? It was a secret. His image was as heterosexual as possible. And his relationship with Robin wasn't bad. It was disastrous. Robin left complaining that he didn't want a domineering male in a tight suit with pointed ears and billowing cloak. Little twit!

And so as to Severus... Oh, he simply melted when he was introduced to the man in person. The guy looked repulsive, sallow skin, yellow teeth, greasy hair. But those eyes and the voice. It was good that his tight suit was holding him together. Being Batman wasn't easy and he had to keep in character, save the day and such stuff. Damn, it just wasn't easy to concentrate on the arson case when he was swooning all the time, just listening to the man explain that the arsons were magical and magic was necessary to find the arsonist. Blah, blah, blah! The fortunate fact was, that they were left alone for most of the time during their investigation. In fact, Severus Snape was investigating and Batman was leering. And fantasizing. About using one of the large beds in one of his large rooms in his large house, or about driving Severus Snape in one of his large cars, etc. He swallowed, he had to stop thinking too deep about certain details.

Once, he even invited Severus Snape to his large house. Not as Batman but as Bruce Wayne. He poured them large shots of whisky and tried to engage Snape in a conversation on topics different than arson case, but it was more than futile. When Bruce tried to change the topic, Severus Snape did not respond at all. He even offered Severus to show him around the house. And in one of his favorite rooms he showed Severus his favorite large bed. He was trying to be suggestive but not very imposing. But Severus Snape didn't catch his drift. Actually as it turned out later he pretended not to catch Bruce's drift. So when Bruce brushed Severus's hand with his, Severus looked at him with disgust, muttered something about keeping to business and disappeared. True wizard, really.

The next time Bruce, as Batman, visited the wizarding world, both him and Severus pretended that nothing had happened. Like anything did happen. Anyway, they were talking in Snape's office. Snape was a teacher in a school for wizards called Hogwarts. The school was located in a huge castle and Batman liked it a lot, not only because it was large. Suddenly, a large owl flew through the window, dropped a letter on Snape's lap and left. The wizard opened the letter, read it and blushed furiously. He looked particularly sexy then. Batman was very curious what the letter was about, but Snape just threw it into the fire and resumed the conversation. On the very same day, as Snape was walking Batman out of the castle, one of the students approached them. A cute boy, green eyes, black hair, just a bit too short.

'Excuse me, Professor?'

'Yes, Potter?' Severus Snape didn't sound pleased.

'Did you get my letter?' The boy asked innocently but Batman noticed a flicker of something quite opposite in his eyes. And Severus Snape blushed again.

'Yes, Potter, I did. And you have a detention for your insolence. Tonight at 8 p.m. in my office!' Batman was almost sure Severus winked to his student.

'Yes, sir. I'll be punctual.' The boy just turned back and ran somewhere.

Disappearing, true wizard. He smacked himself on the forehead This guy was simply involved with his student. What a pity! He cursed. He had to resort to some desperate measures. He had his Batmobile, his Batcomputer even his own Batphone. So why couldn't he have a BatSnape? He turned towards the headquarters. Yes, that was the idea! He definitely had the means to achieve his goal. To have his very own BatSnape.

~*~

PS. You can flame me, really. It was done purely for fun, I didn't treat this seriously and so I will not treat flames seriously. And I know that it's not funny, but it was fun to write.


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